Sunday, March 3, 2013
Kyoryuger makes dinosaurs glad they're dead
If you're one of those people who are like "Ugh, Shougo's whining about the new show again," then just save yourself trouble and skip this post, OK? Here's your warning.
Kyoryuger was farted onto the air a few weeks ago, and I...I hate to be so dismissive of a show right off the bat, but...I don't want to be too quick to judge, but...I think I hate it? Like, it's offensive on SO many levels, a visual assault, an aural assault, an assault to the intelligence of viewers of all ages.
Maybe the show will calm down, but right now, it's trying soooooooooooo hard to prove that it's "fun" and, therefore, not Go-to-sleepsters that it's just a kid on a sugar high who just did a line of nose whiskey and is zipping and bopping all over the place and is non-stop noise. It's bright! It's loud! They dance in the show, they dance in the credits! Even the mecha dances! There's music! Boomboom bangbang wire-fu! Look here at this bright thing, now over here at this shiny thing! Whoa-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What does samba have to do with dinosaurs? Who cares -- isn't this fun!?!!?!?!
Someone needs to tell Daigo to dial it way down. He's trying so hard to be energetic, and it just comes across as bogus and obnoxious -- he's a good representation of Kyoryuger as a whole. Dude can't even read the Bandai/sponsor lines without just yelling it all and spazzin' out. You ain't fun, man. You ain't cool. Pipe down, before you make me stick up for Akaza Banban. And comb your hair!
It's sad that Ian is what passes off for "cool" these days. Could you imagine that sparkly Sailor Moon wink sound-effect when Hayate or Gai was trying to impress a girl? Geez...
I wanted to like Blue, but a) he looks like one of the lesser known Sweathogs, and b) what could have been an interesting storyline takes the backseat -- no, takes the car being towed -- to all of the cartoon dinosaurs and noisy lipstick-powered weapons they have.
Green and Pink look like a-holes.
And the villains! Holy shit, the villains! How stupid are those designs? They make the Gaiark look like they were designed by Yutaka Izubuchi! Did Toei accept design submissions from kids? Don't they look like the drawings some kids will do to seem like they're creative, and the parent has to be polite and be like "Good job! Very interesting to give the Statue of Liberty a robot face!" But deep down, the parent is thinking "My God, what is wrong with this kid? Do I have to worry? Did we drop them on their head?" I'd like to fake optimism that the show will improve, but I don't care how good the storylines could end up being, because you can't do anything good with these villains. They're even dumber looking than the Baranoia. They make H.R. Pufnstuf look like H. R. Giger. Who OK'd these designs? Demote 'em.
What's most annoying, though? How badly Kyoryuger wants to be an anime -- even moreso than a lot of modern tokusatsu. It's easy to watch it and picture it as an animated series, like, Dinosaur Captor Yugi-ball. Noids should not act like doodles. Your country is littered with anime, Japan -- tokusatsu is unique in that it's, you know, LIVE-ACTION. That creative writers, directors, actors, designers, prop makers put their skills to the test in trying to make the fantastical come to life, all on a very small budget. And the abuse of CGI just makes things worse, because all CGI is capable of is to make things look cartoonish. (It's a complaint I have about new comic book-based movies, too. Like, what's the point of making a live-action Hulk movie when he's just a giant green cartoon? Why make Watchmen when it's all going to be done on a green soundstage, awash in CGI? It defeats the purpose of making it live-action, you know? Just go make an animated movie instead.)
The show just really smacks of out-of-touch bean-counters who just mashed together everything they think kids will like, rather than just put on a good show that people will like on their own. And I have to scratch my head at all of the reviews that say Kyoryuger is "such a throwback" and "like a classic '90s Sentai." Say WHAT!?!?
Are we having fun yet? No. Make that HELL, NO!