Sunday, March 3, 2013

Kyoryuger makes dinosaurs glad they're dead

If you're one of those people who are like "Ugh, Shougo's whining about the new show again," then just save yourself trouble and skip this post, OK? Here's your warning.

Kyoryuger was farted onto the air a few weeks ago, and I...I hate to be so dismissive of a show right off the bat, but...I don't want to be too quick to judge, but...I think I hate it? Like, it's offensive on SO many levels, a visual assault, an aural assault, an assault to the intelligence of viewers of all ages.

Maybe the show will calm down, but right now, it's trying soooooooooooo hard to prove that it's "fun" and, therefore, not Go-to-sleepsters that it's just a kid on a sugar high who just did a line of nose whiskey and is zipping and bopping all over the place and is non-stop noise. It's bright! It's loud! They dance in the show, they dance in the credits! Even the mecha dances! There's music! Boomboom bangbang wire-fu! Look here at this bright thing, now over here at this shiny thing! Whoa-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What does samba have to do with dinosaurs? Who cares -- isn't this fun!?!!?!?!

Someone needs to tell Daigo to dial it way down. He's trying so hard to be energetic, and it just comes across as bogus and obnoxious -- he's a good representation of Kyoryuger as a whole. Dude can't even read the Bandai/sponsor lines without just yelling it all and spazzin' out. You ain't fun, man. You ain't cool. Pipe down, before you make me stick up for Akaza Banban. And comb your hair!

It's sad that Ian is what passes off for "cool" these days. Could you imagine that sparkly Sailor Moon wink sound-effect when Hayate or Gai was trying to impress a girl? Geez...

I wanted to like Blue, but a) he looks like one of the lesser known Sweathogs, and b) what could have been an interesting storyline takes the backseat -- no, takes the car being towed -- to all of the cartoon dinosaurs and noisy lipstick-powered weapons they have.

Green and Pink look like a-holes.

And the villains! Holy shit, the villains! How stupid are those designs? They make the Gaiark look like they were designed by Yutaka Izubuchi! Did Toei accept design submissions from kids? Don't they look like the drawings some kids will do to seem like they're creative, and the parent has to be polite and be like "Good job! Very interesting to give the Statue of Liberty a robot face!" But deep down, the parent is thinking "My God, what is wrong with this kid? Do I have to worry? Did we drop them on their head?" I'd like to fake optimism that the show will improve, but I don't care how good the storylines could end up being, because you can't do anything good with these villains. They're even dumber looking than the Baranoia. They make H.R. Pufnstuf look like H. R. Giger. Who OK'd these designs? Demote 'em.

What's most annoying, though? How badly Kyoryuger wants to be an anime -- even moreso than a lot of modern tokusatsu. It's easy to watch it and picture it as an animated series, like, Dinosaur Captor Yugi-ball. Noids should not act like doodles. Your country is littered with anime, Japan -- tokusatsu is unique in that it's, you know, LIVE-ACTION. That creative writers, directors, actors, designers, prop makers put their skills to the test in trying to make the fantastical come to life, all on a very small budget. And the abuse of CGI just makes things worse, because all CGI is capable of is to make things look cartoonish. (It's a complaint I have about new comic book-based movies, too. Like, what's the point of making a live-action Hulk movie when he's just a giant green cartoon? Why make Watchmen when it's all going to be done on a green soundstage, awash in CGI? It defeats the purpose of making it live-action, you know? Just go make an animated movie instead.)

The show just really smacks of out-of-touch bean-counters who just mashed together everything they think kids will like, rather than just put on a good show that people will like on their own. And I have to scratch my head at all of the reviews that say Kyoryuger is "such a throwback" and "like a classic '90s Sentai." Say WHAT!?!?

Are we having fun yet? No. Make that HELL, NO!


  1. Firstly...the Party Down gif...brilliant.

    "I...I hate to be so dismissive of a show right off the bat, but...I don't want to be too quick to judge, but...I think I hate it? Like, it's offensive on SO many levels, a visual assault, an aural assault, an assault to the intelligence of viewers of all ages."

    I used to feel that way, first about Rider and later about Sentai. Turns out, first impressions tend to be the right ones. When shows like Gokaiger are a slow-burn to how truly awful they are...thats what infuriates me.

    I really don't have much else to add to what you said except this one thing...

    Shigeru Chiba needs to be punched...punched VERY the throat. BAD. CHOICE.

    1. I kind of feel like I can tell if I'm going to like a show based on just the early info and pics, and everything about Kyoryuger was in the minus column for me. I guess it's only a rare few shows that will actually end up surprising you.

      I did feel disappointed by where Gokaiger ended up as it aired, especially its finale episodes (I remember saying that Gokaiger started with a bang and ended with a whimper), but I still like that show, and will cut it some slack considering that they were essentially making it up as they went along to accommodate whoever wanted to come back. I got more of a sense that Toei was trying to please older fans by welcoming back a bunch of people, who they could have easily just told to piss off -- hey, Kamen Rider does that for all of their anniversaries!

      And I can't believe I overlooked Chiba! Thanks for pointing him out, because his horrible voiceovers really takes Kyoryuger's noise pollution to the max. I think it's time for henshin items to shut up.

  2. "I kind of feel like I can tell if I'm going to like a show based on just the early info and pics, and everything about Kyoryuger was in the minus column for me. I guess it's only a rare few shows that will actually end up surprising you."

    I think preconcept can be a problem. i myself was afraid Kyoryuger would be another Go-Onger (i.e. terrible), but it ended up surprising me so far. The mood is only moderately light, similar to Gokaiger, and the characters aren't crazy and/or dumb like the Ongers or Goseigers, not boring as the Go-Sleep-ers either. It does hit some right tones and has potential to get better, episode 3 was pretty good.

  3. "he looks like one of the lesser known Sweathogs" The one that replaced John Travolta and who absolutely no one liked?

    I am enjoying Kyoryuger so far but I'm glad I read this for lines such as "nose whiskey", "farted onto the air" and "They make H.R. Pufnstuf look like H. R. Giger" this is why I lurve you.

    1. Thanks for reading! (Your check is in the mail.)

  4. Hi
    I've sent you a message on HJU to ask your opinion, about Kyoryuger, and I see that I have the answer here, and that you hate it. Your review is very fun to read because the way you bash Kyoryuger, and the style you use is a pleasure to appreciate; besides, I've learnt the existence of shows I've never heard of before.
    Here are my comments about your argumentation about Go-Busters:
    - the show is bright and loud : okay, but I don't think a show must be judged by its opening theme and its end theme (I don't like Goseiger, but its opening theme is great); of course, the problem is also there during the series : let's see how that's gonna evolve in the following episodes: they needed to do everything to make Kyoryuger feel different from Go-Busters; and about the Samba : yes, it's really silly; but as long as itconly lasts a few seconds each episode, I don't think it's so problematic.

    - The heroes: Daigo: give him some time: he's loud, he's hot blooded: but frankly, he's kind enough not to feel too arrogant (even despite his "King" stuff); besides, Juspion is the best evidence that a character can be toned down. Ian; I think it's a little early to have an opinion about a character that only appeared a few seconds in three episodes; Blue: I feel his looks is fine for his character, and he has a potentially nice backstory: you say it takes the backseat, but I think that we need more episodes to decide about that, because his "sister and daughter family" plot is in my opinion a plot that can be explored in several episodes: no need to do everything in one episode only; Green : he looks like an asshole; having seen episode 3, it's obvious that the boy has problems, but he can change and show character development; and I fail to see how Pink is an asshole in any way.
    All in all, the heroes are perhaps not perfect, but I feel they do have potential, and I want to give them a chance
    The Villains : I pretty agree with you that the villains are a weakness of that show; but I think that their biggest issue isn't really their design (Chaos looks like a Statue of the Liberty with a robot face, and the four generals looks like they've escaped from the Wizard of Oz universe (Candelila being Dorothy, Luckyuro being the Scarecrow, Aigallon being the Tin Man, and Dogold, of course being the Lion)); but rather their personalities: four characters can' be summed up as : Mr Angry, Mr Sad, Little Miss Sunshine, and Kid Clown, and I fear that it's exactly what those four are; the Deboss seem to have a similar aim as the Balban from Gingaman: bring back to life a terrifying creature that is gonna destroy the Earth; however, Gingaman avoided the pitfall of plot stalling with such a lot by having the generals backstabbing each other to be the commander who tries to resurrect Daitanix; I don't see that potential in the four Deboss generals, who are pretty much complementary of each other, rather than rivals; difficult to find storytelling with that. On the plus side, the generals are involved in the dirty work and fight directly the heroes instead of doing nothing in their base and just sending monsters and mooks, unlike a lot of sentai main villains. That said, I hope a new villain is gonna appear reasonably soon to shake up a little the statu quo and make the story more interesting
    - How Kyoryuger wants to be an anime: how does it more than most modern toku shows? Besides, you said that, but you hated Go-Busters who tried to avoid the anime style and used miniatures rather than CGI.

    Here are my comments. I hope my arguments were relevant and that my comments are gonna be reasonable.
    Bottom point: I think that Kyoryuger needs a little more time before giving such a harsh judgement. Two episodes aren't enough to judge a series in my opinion, even if they're enough to point out how a series has potential, and alos point out some weaknesses.

    1. I had this post already typed up before and decided to submit it once I got your message. I was holding onto it, I knew the response wouldn't be popular. :P

      Some might think it's too early to make such a "harsh" judgment. I'm a glass half-empty guy, in the case of something like Kyoryuger, the negatives far overshadow what (limited) positives there might be, and those stick out more. About the only thing I think is interesting about Kyoryuger is the set up of the heroes, and that they're taking their time to come together. There's potential there, but that's not what Kyoryuger's interested in. They want the flash, the toys, the "spectacle" -- I fear anything interesting character wise or storywise will always be handled the way Nobuharu's family stuff was handled in 2. Especially with the shallow Sakamoto involved, and with what a pushover Sanjo seems like...

      If Kyoryuger ends up improving in my eyes, hey, I've admitted when I was wrong about something. Like I said, so much about the show was already off-putting to me before it aired. These are my initial reactions, though I'm not optimistic that the show will end up changing my mind. (Improvement can begin by Kingoo dialing it down. Maybe you have to be an anime fan to like this kind of character? I don't know.)

      I've always found it strange that someone can say they love a show and it's their favorite after a few episodes, but nobody's allowed to say the opposite.

    2. Of course, you're allowed to say the opposite; and to be fair, saying after only a few episodes "that show's my favorite" is also too early. That said, as long as those are your first impressions of Kyoryuger, your point of view is perfectly relevant. I guess you can say "I hate is so far". :D

  5. Well... I was sceptical about it. But so far I think it's better than I expected. Ofc there are things that bother me.

    The OP bothers me, and so does black and green.
    The fact that there are going to be at least 23 bloody mecha also feels like a thorn in my eye.

    Also... since when are female rangers allowed to wear anything but miniskirts? THIS is an insult to all the toku-pedo's out there!

    I disagree with you on the villains. I actually seem to like their design. It makes me think a bit about Alice in Wonderland...
    (B-But... Lewis Caroll was a pedo... why can't we have the Yellow Kyoryuger in a miniskirt then...)

    But I do wonder if this show is going to have an actual plot... I'm afraid that it will be just a series of filler episodes of Rangers waiting for the new mecha to arrive.

  6. Know what I think makes dinosaurs happy they're dead? EVERY! FREAKIN'! LAND BEFORE TIME SEQUEL!!!!!!